Step families are unique from nuclear families in that not everyone has known each other for the same amount of time. This brings with it some challenges. When a step family is created it functions as three distinct entities.
There is the newly created couple, and then there are the two original nuclear families. Each of these entities are comfortable interacting with one another. It’s when you try to mix these that discomfort and resistance can set in.
While the combination of these groupings needs to be a slow process, some progress needs to be occurring even from the beginning. The best way to do this is to create mutual memories. These memories are the glue that binds strangers into a step family.
All of us have memories from growing up in our family. These can consist of things as varied as different holiday traditions to silly nicknames. These memories created a sense of belonging and oneness. It’s these memories that are lacking in a step family due to their minimal time together.
The couple unit really needs to be the one to spur the family into creating these memories. “But how?” you might ask. You’ve got a couple of choices here, but creativity and flexibility are the most important ingredients.
1. What have you stumbled onto already? - Just by virtue of the amount of time you have been together, you may have found some activities that everyone seems to enjoy. As a couple take some time to brainstorm activities you’ve done as an entire family that seemed to have gone well. Figure out how you can repeat these.
2. Get input from the kids - Do a quick family meeting with “fun activities” on the agenda. Ask the kids what they enjoy doing. Make sure the kids understand, this doesn’t mean you’re going to do all of them. You’re just brainstorming for their ideas.
3. Try previous events that worked - As a couple talk about things you’ve always enjoyed doing with your own children. See what your partner thinks his/her children’s’ reactions would be. For example, if you and your children have always enjoyed going on nature hikes on Sunday afternoons, talk to your partner about whether his/her children might be interested in this as well and then give it a try. If it doesn’t work, at least now you know.
4. Create a collection - Finally, as a family, I encourage you to have a jar or a notebook where you keep little reminders of important memories that have been created. This will allow people to throw one in from time to time as memories are made.
Early on, things are tough in a step family. No one feels especially comfortable. Keeping a brief list of these memories to refer back to on really hard days can help you to remember why you continue to strive forward. It’s also fun as a family, to go back and look at these silly memories to see just how far you’ve all come.
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Tags: Alyssa Johnson, children, couple, family, kids, memories, partner, remarriage, Step families
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